I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
