she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
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