So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
