Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize