I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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