Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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