can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
