There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
