I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
