I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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