found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
