I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
