I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
