dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
