i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
