I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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