Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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