dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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