he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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