It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
