watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
