your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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