You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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