I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I need moral support for this bender
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
