The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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