I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
