I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
