you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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