At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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