well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I came so hard my ears popped.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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