They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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