his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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