The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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