I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
