I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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