This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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