I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We talked him into tasing himself.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
