Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i've created a new STD.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
