im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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