He is such a slut. More and more my type.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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