can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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