Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
