i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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