Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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