he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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