dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
