I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
