my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
