So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
