I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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