I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
