Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
