The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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