So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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