Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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