Swine flu. Run for my life!
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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