i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
