I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
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I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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